A Little Update.

35 weeks with Baby 2, at the beach with Nel.  

An update into our lives over the last few months is much needed. We've gone through quite a bit of change over the last few weeks and are slowly adjusting but I decided to write this post, not only as an update but hopefully it touches someone today that may be going through a rough time and can relate.

Every day isn't awesome and I think sometimes we get caught up in social media and post only the glamorous and fun aspects of life, which is beautiful and should be celebrated but it's not always reality. In order to appreciate those incredible moments, we must trudge through some rough times and sometimes it helps knowing there are others who know what you're going through.

So here goes.

So we found out that Baby number two is a .... boy early on and we were so so excited!

Although my pregnancies have been extremely easy on me physically, besides a few weeks of nausea and exhaustion in the beginning; emotionally this one has been quite a roller coaster ride that I've been trying to deal with and take in stride.

After my 13 week blood tests, my OB called me and told me my blood work came back somewhat abnormal and that she wanted me to see a high risk specialist to do some further testing. I received the call while at work one day and of course assumed the worst. I was terrified. We went to the specialist, had numerous tests done, waited impatiently without sleep for about a week for results, and they finally came back normal, much to our relief.

Although everything came back normal during the second round of tests, I was recommended to continue seeing the high risk specialist once a month for ultrasounds to make sure the baby was growing on target. My OB told me after the third visit,  if everything looked normal growth-wise, I would be released from the specialist and would only see my OB for the rest of the pregnancy. We were SUPER happy about that. Going to two different doctors and scheduling different appointments was a little bit stressful.

On that third visit to the specialist, during the ultrasound the doctor just kept staring and staring at the baby's heart for what seemed like forever. I knew deep down something wasn't right but kept telling myself to stop thinking so negatively, as she continued to study the screen intently. I peered over at David and he looked back at me with the same expression. The doctor concluded the ultrasound, looked at us and said " Although everything else looks good, I think there is something wrong with the baby's heart."

That's all I heard before my world came shattering down around me.

I don't remember much else from that appointment, besides her rattling off a long name of the type of congenital heart defect she believed my baby to have and bits and pieces of what this meant. We were referred to a pediatric and fetal cardiologist that would perform an echo of the baby's heart and confirm. We were so desperately hoping she was wrong.

We went to the cardiologist later that week and it was confirmed. Our baby boy has a congenital heart defect known as Tetralogy of Fallot and would need open heart surgery his first year of life to survive, followed by at least one more years down the road.

If you think your world can't fall apart twice in a week, I am here to tell you that it sure can and it sure as hell feels like it is crumbling around you piece by piece. Walking out of that building, I think I had to tell my legs to move or else I would have fallen flat on my face with no shame.

I was in a completely strange place after that appointment. I felt as though my world had ended. I was angry. "Why us? Why my baby?" flooded my thoughts and it still does some days. I laid in bed for the rest of the day, trying to comprehend what this meant and come to terms with it. Deep down, I just didn't know what to do that day. My body didn't know what to do. All the while, I struggled to put a smile on for Peneleope. It was a rough week. It was a week I will never ever forget.

Since the diagnosis and speaking with doctors, we made the decision to temporarily relocate back to Philadelphia for the birth of Baby T, so he could be treated at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, as it is one of the best and most experienced for this condition. The realization that this was happening and we'd have to move our lives within a month was mind-numbing, to say the least. Packing up your entire life as a family is no small feat but doing it all the while trying to come to terms with the fact that your unborn baby has been diagnosed with a heart defect, just kind of breaks your heart. Fortunately, we were able to do so while having the support of our jobs, friends, and family.

So, we left our home in San Antonio for a little while to welcome Baby T into the world and get him the best treatment possible.

As for me, I have my days. There are days where I am great and there are days where I cry in the shower or in the car. There are days where I am angry that it has to be him and there are days where I feel as though I have finally accepted this and am stronger for it.

The only thing I'm sure of right now is that this baby is already making me brave and stronger than I thought I was or thought I ever could be, and he isn't even here yet.

xoxo